worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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