I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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