WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
