you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
