Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
