yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
