Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
