Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
