So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
