My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize