The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
