for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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