yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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