"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
