The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
