not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
