shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
