i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
