I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
