Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize