i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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