Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize