I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
