Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
