you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
