turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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