I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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