Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
