I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
where does the pee come out of this thing
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
