please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
