if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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