She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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