I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
