I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
