My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
