I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
