if i can run in heels then i can drive
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
