PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
