Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
