I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize