conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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