I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
