i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
