Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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