Just fell off a train. Bad.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
