If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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