Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
