my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
