Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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