I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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