it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
