I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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