My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
