not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
