I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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