So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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