I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
