im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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